Post by Isabella Swan on May 20, 2008 22:48:59 GMT -5
((From when Edward has left her...I personally needed to write something emotional, so I figured I'd put it to use! Lol. Most of this is Bella, but there is a little of myself in here. I won't tell you what's what xD))
It's been a few months now; maybe four or five. Sometimes I don't even know how much time has passed. Sometimes I don't even know if it was all real. Surely nothing that good could have happened to someone like me. But then I remember the words that were spoken that day...and I remember that no, nothing that good ever did happen. Because he never was as into it as I was. But I guess that's only to be expected. Who knows how many other distractions he's had? If he has any now? I can't imagine that he wouldn't...it's been a while. I've certainly not forgotten; did he ever think I would? Did he really think my mind so feeble that I would not remember every word? Every touch? Well, he's underestimated me.
I cannot allow my mind to think back to those times; back to a time when life was easy. I was wanted and I was loved. They say there is nothing better than to love and be loved. I was living that out. I didn't have a care in the world in those few, short months. Dreary Forks suddenly became a fairytale land, one that I never wanted to leave. I'd found my prince; I didn't need to go anywhere else. There were times when I'd had doubts; doubts that he didn't really love me as much as I loved him. Of course, this was all proven true on that day. I really shouldn't have expected much, but I'd allowed myself to hope. Hope is a dangerous thing; it still is. It is why I cannot think. For when I think, I hope. Hope will be the death of me.
I find myself now in a difficult situation. I wish to move on, but there is a scar much deeper than the pain he left me with. In my relatively sheltered life I'd not experienced much in the way of pain. So to have that happen so abruptly and without my seeing it coming...maybe I was just blind. Looking back, I see that I was. The weeks of bliss before was only the calm before the storm. What goes up, must come down. All good things must come to an end. I don't understand why I thought this could be any different. But there is something that he has done to me that I don't know can ever be fixed. I am ruined, sometimes I think it's beyond repair. How can I now offer myself to another? Will they not just do the same for me? Clearly I was not worthy enough to catch the eye of such a creature...who else would want me? Now I can no longer offer the whole of my heart to any who claim to want it, either for fear of being broken again or the fact that I do not lay claim to all of it now. It was taken away, whether he knows it or not.
Things are certainly better, through the help of my friends. One in particular, Jacob Black. But I cannot give myself to him for a few reasons. I do not see in him what he thinks he sees in me. He's a good kid; don't get me wrong, but I cannot do that for him. Not yet. Maybe not ever. At least, not to him. But I do not wish to hurt him or cause him pain. I don't like to cause anyone pain. I wish there was a way he would understand that it doesn't mean the same thing to me. I don't like it when other people have that misconception that there is anything more than friendship. Don't they see what has already been done to me? Why would I give that opportunity to someone else? I suppose I could just go around to get a thrill out of it, but I'm not that kind of person. I don't feed off of pain. And he's not the type of man that I need. And the more I think about it, I wonder if anyone ever will be.
Through all of this, I find myself feeling a complete and utter lonliness. Yes, I have friends. I have Charlie. But they don't seem to fully understand. They also have problems of their own; some of them much worse. But relatively, this is big for me. For one who has never suffered so much loss, I am not coping. But they do not understand, and I cannot convey it. They would think me a fool, or at least wrapped up in myself. What about that girl in Phoenix three years ago, who's father committed suicide? When you compare our situations, mine does not match up at all. So how can I convince anyone that this is the single most painful thing that has happened to me? I do not wish to hear patronizing words...I don't want to hear that it's going to be okay. This feeling of lonliness though...it eats at me sometimes. And I don't know what to do about it. Maybe I never will. Maybe I'll grow out of it, and maybe I will just forget.
The pain is still quite fresh, but I think I've reached the point now where I feel like I'm stuck. I can't really justify moping around; my boyfriend broke up with me. That sounds really lame. A part of me wants to move on; to find someone who will appreciate me. Another part of me feels like that would be betraying him, as odd as that sounds. And yet another part is deathly afraid of that. So it is in this strange paradox that I find myself in. And I really hope that I'll just grow out of it. Maybe, after graduation, everything will be okay. Maybe I'll finally get the nerve to just let go, because I really think that's what I need. But I know that, even when I do, this lonliness will follow me. And that is something that I'm definately not looking forward to.
((A note on the date...it's the day before her and Jacob and Mike go to the movie. And I bumped it back a year, so it goes in accordance to the site's timeline.))[/size]
It's been a few months now; maybe four or five. Sometimes I don't even know how much time has passed. Sometimes I don't even know if it was all real. Surely nothing that good could have happened to someone like me. But then I remember the words that were spoken that day...and I remember that no, nothing that good ever did happen. Because he never was as into it as I was. But I guess that's only to be expected. Who knows how many other distractions he's had? If he has any now? I can't imagine that he wouldn't...it's been a while. I've certainly not forgotten; did he ever think I would? Did he really think my mind so feeble that I would not remember every word? Every touch? Well, he's underestimated me.
I cannot allow my mind to think back to those times; back to a time when life was easy. I was wanted and I was loved. They say there is nothing better than to love and be loved. I was living that out. I didn't have a care in the world in those few, short months. Dreary Forks suddenly became a fairytale land, one that I never wanted to leave. I'd found my prince; I didn't need to go anywhere else. There were times when I'd had doubts; doubts that he didn't really love me as much as I loved him. Of course, this was all proven true on that day. I really shouldn't have expected much, but I'd allowed myself to hope. Hope is a dangerous thing; it still is. It is why I cannot think. For when I think, I hope. Hope will be the death of me.
I find myself now in a difficult situation. I wish to move on, but there is a scar much deeper than the pain he left me with. In my relatively sheltered life I'd not experienced much in the way of pain. So to have that happen so abruptly and without my seeing it coming...maybe I was just blind. Looking back, I see that I was. The weeks of bliss before was only the calm before the storm. What goes up, must come down. All good things must come to an end. I don't understand why I thought this could be any different. But there is something that he has done to me that I don't know can ever be fixed. I am ruined, sometimes I think it's beyond repair. How can I now offer myself to another? Will they not just do the same for me? Clearly I was not worthy enough to catch the eye of such a creature...who else would want me? Now I can no longer offer the whole of my heart to any who claim to want it, either for fear of being broken again or the fact that I do not lay claim to all of it now. It was taken away, whether he knows it or not.
Things are certainly better, through the help of my friends. One in particular, Jacob Black. But I cannot give myself to him for a few reasons. I do not see in him what he thinks he sees in me. He's a good kid; don't get me wrong, but I cannot do that for him. Not yet. Maybe not ever. At least, not to him. But I do not wish to hurt him or cause him pain. I don't like to cause anyone pain. I wish there was a way he would understand that it doesn't mean the same thing to me. I don't like it when other people have that misconception that there is anything more than friendship. Don't they see what has already been done to me? Why would I give that opportunity to someone else? I suppose I could just go around to get a thrill out of it, but I'm not that kind of person. I don't feed off of pain. And he's not the type of man that I need. And the more I think about it, I wonder if anyone ever will be.
Through all of this, I find myself feeling a complete and utter lonliness. Yes, I have friends. I have Charlie. But they don't seem to fully understand. They also have problems of their own; some of them much worse. But relatively, this is big for me. For one who has never suffered so much loss, I am not coping. But they do not understand, and I cannot convey it. They would think me a fool, or at least wrapped up in myself. What about that girl in Phoenix three years ago, who's father committed suicide? When you compare our situations, mine does not match up at all. So how can I convince anyone that this is the single most painful thing that has happened to me? I do not wish to hear patronizing words...I don't want to hear that it's going to be okay. This feeling of lonliness though...it eats at me sometimes. And I don't know what to do about it. Maybe I never will. Maybe I'll grow out of it, and maybe I will just forget.
The pain is still quite fresh, but I think I've reached the point now where I feel like I'm stuck. I can't really justify moping around; my boyfriend broke up with me. That sounds really lame. A part of me wants to move on; to find someone who will appreciate me. Another part of me feels like that would be betraying him, as odd as that sounds. And yet another part is deathly afraid of that. So it is in this strange paradox that I find myself in. And I really hope that I'll just grow out of it. Maybe, after graduation, everything will be okay. Maybe I'll finally get the nerve to just let go, because I really think that's what I need. But I know that, even when I do, this lonliness will follow me. And that is something that I'm definately not looking forward to.
((A note on the date...it's the day before her and Jacob and Mike go to the movie. And I bumped it back a year, so it goes in accordance to the site's timeline.))[/size]
